Thanks

During times of great sorrow we see God’s grace in new ways. Usually it’s through people.

Many of you know my mother died unexpectedly on New Year’s Eve at the age of 56. I’m still in a fog in which I know what’s going on is real, but I just can’t believe it. It’s painful, sad, and confusing. Yet, in all of the emotions, God shines through.

An old friend from California called in the midst of funeral planning. He didn’t know my mother had died, but said the Holy Spirit had been tugging at him to call me that day so he finally did. We shared a great 30 minute call filled with mutual encouragement and celebration at how God works. My new radio family at Moody has been unbelievably supportive this week. My voicemail, email, and snail mail boxes have been filled with messages from Moody Radio personnel. I’m just a vacation relief host, but they’re loving me like family. These people, combined with many Facebook, Twitter, and email messages from radio friends I’ve never met have been so encouraging. And that’s what I mean when I say God uses people to show us His grace.

God offers the peace “which surpasses all understanding” (Phil 4:7) and this has been granted to me over the past 10 days by the people He has sent my way to comfort me.

 

Parents Impact More Than Just Their Kids

I spent some time this week at a funeral visitation for the father of a childhood friend. His name was Hershel Benberry (also the name of his oldest son). For several decades he taught students how to drive in the West Aurora High School District. I knew him because his son and I were in grade school at Covenant Christian for many years. Hershel (the younger) and I spent a lot of time together as kids. There were sleepovers and baseball games. Lots of kids’ stuff. It wasn’t until I was driving to the visitation and reflecting on things that I realized the impact Hershel (the older) and his wife, Laetitia, had on me.

I remember them as good parents. They always had a good mix of expressing love, discipline, and high expectations for both of their boys. And they loved Jesus. I mean that. There are people who are Christians. They go to church, hang in Christian circles, and are generally good citizens. Then there are people who love Jesus. Hershel was one of these people. Laetitia still is.

Christian parents are under pressure to instill a knowledge of the Bible in their children and to teach them to honor God. God blesses them with the opportunity to “train up a child in the way he should go.” But their impact doesn’t stop with their own kids.

That’s because their children have friends who hang around the house and are influenced. They see the way the parents interact with their children. The friends observe the character of the parents and are impacted by it.

I don’t say this add pressure to parents, but understand that the way you raise your children impacts many more people than just your kids. God can use you to influence your children, their friends, and countless other people who come into contact with them.

That’s what Hershel Benberry and his wife did for me. And I’m eternally grateful.

Honoring Mom and Dad

The concept of honoring your father and mother is presented in the Old Testament and affirmed in the New Testament. As children we’re taught this means obeying mom and dad and being respectful of them. Clean your room, don’t talk back, do whatever they tell you to do. The focus of most teaching always seems to stop at young children. It’s as though when you turn 18 you’re no longer responsible to “honor” them. Does that requirement really end? Most people would never say it does, but there is definitely a change. What does honoring your father and mother look like when you’re at mid-life and they’re near the end?

I’m in Florida with my parents right now. My mom has been disabled for 3 years because of a pain disorder and severe depression. My father had surgery to remove a tumor from his pancreas 2 years ago. The cancer has returned and last week the doctors gave him 6 months to live. My whole family lives in Chicagoland so my parents have no support system here in Tampa. It’s just the two of them. In my mind, moving back near family for this next (and last) phase of life is a no-brainer. But I’m getting some push back.

They’d love to wait until February or March to move back home. They understand that by that time dad may be too sick to travel, but they really like their house in Florida. The weather in December sure is better in Tampa than Chicago. While it seems they should move back to Illinois ASAP they are non-committal about moving at all, much less doing it quickly. Why?

It took a while for me to realize what’s really going on. For 20 years they dreamed of retiring in Florida. They were going to enjoy many years of sunshine and a slow pace. The beach would be their friend and my dad would be able to grow avocado trees in the yard. Then, just a couple of years into this story, everything changed. They understand the logic of being closer to family during this season of life, but to leave means the end of so much. As soon as the moving truck pulls away from the Florida home it will signal the end of what was supposed to be. More than that, it means this foggy nightmare of cancer is real. Dad is going to die. An earthly marriage is about to end and so will loving relationships with children and grandchildren.

So, how do I “honor” them during this process? Certainly not rushing their decision would be one way. I don’t want to pressure them. But what if they decide they don’t want to move back near family at all? What if this is their new home and regardless of poor health they are staying? I’ll confess there’s some selfishness on my part because I don’t want this to be the last time I see my dad. I’d like to see him a lot in the last months of his life and that’s only possible in Illinois. And I want to make sure he is well taken care of. I can’t do that from 1,000 miles away. But, again, what if they become insistent about staying?

How do you honor your parents when you know what’s best for them, but they don’t want it? When emotion gets in the way of clear thinking? When fear becomes almost paralyzing?

I can’t force them to move back near family sooner rather than later (or never). In the end it’s their choice. And maybe that’s the answer to the big question. Instead of being children who make decisions for our parents and force them to comply or manipulate them into doing what we want, perhaps we should reexamine what “best” really means. Sure, they can get better care in Illinois, but if their hearts, minds, and souls tell them they’d be better all the way down here then maybe we should focus on making that as comfortable as possible. And certainly we should put our selfishness aside as completely as we can. Just because we children see one option as obviously best doesn’t mean they do and doesn’t actually mean it is best.

This post won’t end with a definitive answer and that’s tough for me. I usually see things black and white, but these are the gray areas of life. I’ll pray for wisdom concerning how to best “honor” them both. God’s pretty good at responding to prayers for guidance.